We have had a rough financial 2yrs to say the least. Something had to give and it did, we lost our apartment. Bills piled up and with no money coming in for a short time it just got out of control. So there we were about to be homeless when some beyond amazing family friends took us in. They are helping us get back on our feet. It is not just a roof over our head it is good old fashioned love too. The woman is practically my mother in law. She has known my husband since he was 13 yrs old. He is now 43. My husband and her sons grew up together. Her one son is our daughter's Godfather. So you can see we are more family then friends.
I am good at keeping things together for my family then falling apart behind closed doors. However I was starting to get worn very thin with the amount of sadness and trouble going around in my family. I was doing my best to keep my faith. I was spending my entire commute to and from work asking God to please just help one of us out. I did not care which one just one of us. My family has been through the ringer and it is just plain unfair that they have to feel anymore pain. I am not going to lie I was seriously rooting for my brother to be the one He chose to protect, well actually his new baby to be specific. I did not want him to have to deal with the pain of a 12 week early baby. I wanted my sister to be able to come home for our nephew's wedding. I wanted my mom not to have to work 7 days a week. I wanted my one brother in law to stay cancer free. I wanted my other brother in law to finally get his crap together and stop hurting my sister and nephews. I wanted my husband to find a job so he could stop being so depressed and hard on himself.
I realize this is a very long list of wanting. I finally broke down (2 times in 3 days) and started talking to my new ummm ... MIL (because that is basically what she is to me). We were up until like 11pm talking and just letting it out. No crying just talking and getting some much needed "I'm telling you how it is" support. She told me be patient , keep the faith, I am staying strong for my family, let God hear what is in it my heart, and just let Him do what I need when He needs for me to have it. She was right. I needed to hear it. I needed the emotional and spiritual hug she gave me that night.
I went to bed and apologized to God for being all wanting and forgetting about the needs. I asked Him to please just give me a sign because I was getting worn down and tired. That this battle is taking it's toll on me and I know He has so much faith in me and so much in store for me and my family. I took a deep breath and exhaled all the pain in my soul at the moment. Said "Thank You for holding me up right now. I am just weak, thank you." And with that I slept like I haven't slept in years. The kind of sleep that makes you feel like your soul is brand new. This was Friday morning.
Saturday Morning: My niece was born and was kicking butt and taking names in the NICU!!
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| Ellie Sage Lutz 2lbs 12oz and 15 3/4 in Not even 24hrs old and breathing on her, SHE ROCKS!!! |
If that was the end of the good news that day I would have been beyond fine. Honestly from my heart as long as my niece was okay I really did not have to hear anything else good. I guess He knew that too. God knew in my heart of hearts that I was content and truly thankful and okay with what he had given. Yet He gave me more!
I went to work to find out my store was closing. I was sad but was not going to be down about this. I actually laughed when I called home to tell of the news. Honestly what else could I do but laugh at this turn of events. So my boss and her partner asked to come over after work to talk to me about the future. I did not see how this was going to be the greatest conversation of my life however I decided to go and hear what they had to say.
It was not what they had to say that got me. It was what they had decided to do for me, and me family that literally made me want to hug them and scream with excitement. You will be glad to know I did not do that. I stayed very calm and pleasant. Her partner decided that I was a hard worker who was "amazing" and they could not stand leaving me with no job when I was so dedicated to giving them 100%. Also they gave their word that they were going to keep me and take care of me and then bam, they decide to close.
I was offered a job at their consulting firm doing audits. Accountant analyst is my actual title (yeah I have a title!!!!) Making even more then I am now, 2wks pd vacation, annual bonus, and benefits that would be effective immediately. As if that was not enough, they are helping my husband get a job and chances are they will have a house for us to move into by next summer. I wanted to jump up and down and do a happy dance but I thought that would seem a bit on the crazy side.
So on my drive home I called everyone I could to share happy news. I couldn't stop smiling and couldn't stop saying "Thank You!" like a million times to God. I am pretty sure I heard Him say "Enough already I get the point" However I continued my words of praise until I got to my destination.
That Saturday night I know there were prayers of praise being lifted on my behalf from all the ones that had been praying for me in all the bad times.
I felt and still feel renewed. I do not like those moments where I feel like I can not hold it all together anymore. I know God knows that too. I think maybe He wants me to know that it is okay to fall apart and be sad as long as you keep your faith and pray from your heart. I do not know to be honest. I am learning as I go. I just know that this is a never ending learning process. I know I do not have any of the answers and well, I do not need them. I know that I have to let go and let God take care of it. I know that at the end of all of it, every struggle will have been worth it and I am positive I will be a better person because of it.
I would just like to say one more thing:
Thank You to everyone who has prayed for me and my family. The love and support has completely overwhelmed me. I know it is not over. However I know I can get though anything with amazing friends and family by my side and God carrying me when I get weak. I can do anything.
