My many Blessings...

You know with everything that goes on everyday it is easy to lose sight of all the good things.  This past week I have been reminded of one of the greatest things a girl could ever have.  My friends.  I do not have a large entourage but I have exactly what I need.  2 of the people I have known for at least half of my life.  They have literally seen it all.  I never would have thought 20yrs ago that this is where life was going to take us. Or in class 14yrs ago that we would be here.  Never a year ago did I think that someone I have known for a short time would be so close that they are like my family.  I honestly would be nothing without them. They remind me of who I am.  How can you get through life without the ability to fall apart in front of them?  They are always there for me no matter what.  It may be in the form of babysitting, chatting all day about nothing to distract me from the bad, texting or calling at the exact perfect moment, walking around the mall just to get out of the house, letting me know how awesome I really am, keeping me grounded, and reminding me to keep the faith.  I always thought God had so much more faith in me then I had in myself.  While that is true he also knows how awesome my support group is, and that when times are tough they will help me keep it together.  I do not live in NYC.  No we are not single.  However I definitely have my Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha.  Oddly all 4 of us are not best friends but the 3 of them are my best friends.  No matter what the trouble and heartache I have had to go through to get here it was beyond worth it.  I see things I never saw before.  I have been taking a long hard look at my life lately and this is what I had in my brain.  I never thought I would be at a point in my life where I am so excited.  I am excited for someone to move into their own place, for a brand new baby, and praying for an easy transition. Not one of these things are my own.  And these 3 are not the only good ones.  I have a few more girls that are just as incredible as these 3.  We have babies growing up together, what seems to be a semi annual brunch, and break-ups as well.  I am in a good spot in life.  I have my trials and tribulations. I have the days when I just want to cry. However no matter what gets thrown my way ... I have the most amazing, beautiful, and good women behind me all the way.  And they are just 1 of my many blessings...

From the heart...

It is amazing how incredibly insightful and deep a broken heart is.
To deny it or ignore it will only lead to trouble.
Through the tears that fall into a wound with such a strong pulse,
You see things you may have never wanted to see,
About yourself,
About the one who broke your heart.
Did the damage come with no warning,
Did you wake up up to a bleeding heart,
A pool of tears on your pillow.
Trying to find out how it happened,
Trying to find out how you got there.
Then when it all becomes clear,
The knife goes back in and makes the cut even deeper.
Your cries for help fall on deaf ears.
You are in a moment of complete and utter despair.
On your knees,
Hands tightly clenching your chest,
Trying to remember how to breathe,
You can't speak,
You can't move,
You can only feel.
Feel the deep ache that has just hit you like a storm.
As you stand and rise against all the odds,
You catch a glimpse of how the wreck came to be,
You won't fall this time but you grab your heart,
Secure it,
Keep it safe,
Gaurd it from being hit again.
The wound has not healed,
Unsure of when it will,
You refuse to put your hands down,
Always prepared for a fight,
A fight to defend all that you are.
One blow and you will fall apart again.
You know when it heals,
You will dance in the glory that is life,
That is LOVE.
There is no way to avoid the scrapes and bumps that will come your way.
They hurt more then before,
They always bring back the pain of that old scar.
Trying to move on before your heart is ready,
Desperately trying to not let it destroy you,
Holding on to all you are,
While hanging onto a breaking branch,
Knowing that there will be someone to catch you when it breaks.
But will it be the one you are aching for in your soul,
The one who with one look,
One touch,
One word,
The one who captivates your entire self just by being there in front of you.
As you come back to reality,
On your knees in the pouring rain,
Holding your heart,
Tears soaking your face,
Trying to remember how to breathe.
You see a hand,
Reaching down for you,
A face coming to your level,
A touch wiping your eyes,
A voice saying,
"Take a deep breath",
And a bandage for your bleeding wound.

I still do not get it...

You know figuring out matters of the heart is not the easiest thing to accomplish.  When I was a teenager I thought I knew what was going on in my heart but was so utterly and completely wrong.  Then in my early 20's I was proven wrong again.  So here I am today and I am still completely and utterly confused.  

I feel like every good relationship requires some work.  However does that mean every great relationship requires a great amount of work?  It should not seem like that much of a big deal when you are truly in love with someone.  It should just be the basics of what you have to do to make it work for the both of you.  You get tired and worn down sometimes but you get it together and keep trucking along knowing one day it will get better.  It will get better right?  Its not going to be an everyday battle... right?
What if you let go of someone.  You need space.  You need to figure it out.  Does that mean there is a lack of love?  Or does it mean you're head is getting to involved in matters of the heart?
Maybe it is my past bad experiences that make me feel like there is an expiration date on loving me.  Or maybe it is one too many romantic movies that mess with my head.
Does questioning something mean that it can't be "it".  They always say when you find "it" you will know.  What if you thought you knew then something just came into your head or heart and changed everything you thought you knew?!?! 
Now here is the hard one, what if you thought you were over someone and continued on with life only to find out that you were never over that person?  Then what?  How do you solve this?  How do you get over someone while trying to love another person?  If a simple mention of a person's name brings it all back.  If it makes your heart race, butterflies in your stomach, and floods you with emotions.  Lets face it you are not over that person.  Will you ever be? Who knows, you obviously never let go of them.  You have been holding on to them this whole time.  How do you let go? Should you let go? How do you stop loving them? 
You can not stop loving a person just because you want to love someone else.  You are always going to love some people in your life.  That is just the way it is. However just because you will always love them does not mean you are meant to be together.  If they have let go of you and you truly love them, then let go.  Let them go. If you really truly love them let them have what is best for them it may not be you.  Just because you can not let go does not mean you are their answer.  
I do not know how it works or claim to have the answers.  Maybe life is an episode of friends and this is Ross and Rachel.  Who knows... seriously who knows? 
Here I am after all of it.  All the love, hurt, pain, joy, and more love.
And I still do not get it...

I'm an ocean ...

I do not know what the deal is but I have been an emotional hot mess lately!  I think I have been holding it back for so long that I literally cry at the drop of a hat. (I dropped a hat at work which prompted tears)  I have been having these deep emotional thoughts and thankfully I am wearing sunglasses most of the time.  Otherwise people would start calling me the crying girl.  Maybe it is the time of the year.  Spring brings a pile of memories of my Daddy.  Funny how the killing of a terrorist mastermind and Mother's day brings me to my knees with grief of missing him.
Every ocean breeze makes me think of his love for the shore.  Oh and his monthly visit to Atlantic City.  The unconditional love.  The amazing ability to make you feel absolutely beautiful with out even saying a single word. I speak to him often in my mind.  I think it is the reason for creeping insanity.  However the things I had to say to him the other day hit my core and gave me peace.  Even if for a moment ... it was a moment of much needed peace.


" Dear Daddy,
I love the smell of the water.  Working down here has taken it away but sometimes on really windy days I can still smell it.  I close my eyes and take a deep breath.  I can see you and that Father's Day we spent in Wildwood.  That was an amazing day.  I am so thankful we had that day as a family.  Who knew it was our last summer with my mother.  She loved that day too.  I am walking around down here and I can feel the calm washing over me.  I wish you were here so we could have lunch and talk about everything.  I wish we could have the conversations face to face that I know you always wanted to have.  Make jokes of all my horrible mistakes as a way to make me feel better.  And let you see the woman I have become.  I am beyond positive you would be so proud of who I am today.  I notice more and more every day there are more pieces of you in me then I ever thought. However I am not nearly as amazing as you were.  Did you know how amazing you were? Wish I had known it then so I could have told you.  I also realized that my feeling of ease when near the ocean is 100% from you.  Not because you had a great love of the shore.  But because when I look back I realize you were trying to let me know who I was not about the way nature works.  Looks peaceful and calm yet underneath there is a great storm brewing. Beautiful and majestic but with strength that can't be measured.  As much as it can be gentle and soothing.  It can cause horrific damage when it is raging.  Can not be contained or controlled.  You just have to let it run it's course and admire the beauty and stand in awe of the destruction it can create.  You knew it all along.  You knew you raising an ocean.  And all this time I thought I was just a small pond.  I love you.  I miss you.  I'll give Mommy a hug for you."