I do not know what the deal is but I have been an emotional hot mess lately! I think I have been holding it back for so long that I literally cry at the drop of a hat. (I dropped a hat at work which prompted tears) I have been having these deep emotional thoughts and thankfully I am wearing sunglasses most of the time. Otherwise people would start calling me the crying girl. Maybe it is the time of the year. Spring brings a pile of memories of my Daddy. Funny how the killing of a terrorist mastermind and Mother's day brings me to my knees with grief of missing him.
Every ocean breeze makes me think of his love for the shore. Oh and his monthly visit to Atlantic City. The unconditional love. The amazing ability to make you feel absolutely beautiful with out even saying a single word. I speak to him often in my mind. I think it is the reason for creeping insanity. However the things I had to say to him the other day hit my core and gave me peace. Even if for a moment ... it was a moment of much needed peace.
" Dear Daddy,
I love the smell of the water. Working down here has taken it away but sometimes on really windy days I can still smell it. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can see you and that Father's Day we spent in Wildwood. That was an amazing day. I am so thankful we had that day as a family. Who knew it was our last summer with my mother. She loved that day too. I am walking around down here and I can feel the calm washing over me. I wish you were here so we could have lunch and talk about everything. I wish we could have the conversations face to face that I know you always wanted to have. Make jokes of all my horrible mistakes as a way to make me feel better. And let you see the woman I have become. I am beyond positive you would be so proud of who I am today. I notice more and more every day there are more pieces of you in me then I ever thought. However I am not nearly as amazing as you were. Did you know how amazing you were? Wish I had known it then so I could have told you. I also realized that my feeling of ease when near the ocean is 100% from you. Not because you had a great love of the shore. But because when I look back I realize you were trying to let me know who I was not about the way nature works. Looks peaceful and calm yet underneath there is a great storm brewing. Beautiful and majestic but with strength that can't be measured. As much as it can be gentle and soothing. It can cause horrific damage when it is raging. Can not be contained or controlled. You just have to let it run it's course and admire the beauty and stand in awe of the destruction it can create. You knew it all along. You knew you raising an ocean. And all this time I thought I was just a small pond. I love you. I miss you. I'll give Mommy a hug for you."
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