An internet coffee chat.....

Did you ever have that person in your life that you would randomly call, text, email, or message. It would be like this feeling that you need to do it and then the 2 of you have a much needed conversation.  Weather it is just one of you or both walk away feeling refreshed and better about life and all that it involves.
I have one of those.  A girl who randomly will pop into my head and we some how manage to just send happy messages at the exactly perfect time. Some times when she posts her blog I think she is secretly reading my mind! Creepy and fantastic all at the same time.
Today was one of those days.  Our random chat wound up affirming things I needed affirmation on.  This time of year always brings up so much hurt and pain in my mind.  I am always faced with the never ending question of when will it get easier?   When will the hurt and pain go away?  I feel so deeply every emotion.  So I figured maybe it would take longer for it to stop hurting.  However I realize now, it will never stop hurting. This is not bad!!  I can let go and still feel all that is there.  It is how I work.
All of my pain and hurt will benefit someone somewhere.  I can't have possibly gone through everything I did to not have a reason for it.  Even if it is to show people what not to do in certain situations. It is a reason.  The tears I cried and still cry have a reason for falling.  Every flower needs to be watered to bloom.  My tears are watering a garden.  I know for certain in my heart and soul that this garden will be full of the most beautiful and precious flowers.  That with out my sorrow and pain would have never received the rain they needed to bloom in full.  When, where, and what this garden will look like and be I am not sure.  Rest assured though that when I see it I will know it is mine.  
So someday in the future you will see me sitting in a garden surrounded by the most beautiful of blooms.  I will be at the center of it all.  All the beauty and peace will be around me.  I will have a smile on my face and glow that will be seen for eternity. There will be no more tears falling from my eyes.  Only pure serenity all around.  I will wrap my arms around those that have loved and cared about me all this time and I will share my peace with them.  They will feel at ease and walk in my garden knowing that all that they saw me go though turned into the most beautiful thing I could have ever dreamed or imagined.  Take a flower with you and hold it close to your heart.  If you close your eyes and listen closely you will hear it in the wind. The sound of Love and Peace.  You will feel my arms wrapped around your heart giving you all you could possibly need. I know this now. And it makes the pain I feel now easier.  I will now walk to the garden of my mother and sit beside her.  Clip a rose and hold it to my heart.  I will close my eyes and sway in the wind hearing her Love and Peace.  Feeling her soul.  And never dismissing the pain. Only enjoying it's beauty.

Have a Little Faith...

Okay, So it has been a month since I posted.  To say the last month has been crazy is a complete and utter understatement.  I keep to myself when I hit rough waters.  I am learning to seek help however ... Baby steps.  I have reached out to those close to me.  My friends and family have kept me going everyday with their endless love, support, and prayers for us.
We have had a rough financial 2yrs to say the least.  Something had to give and it did, we lost our apartment.  Bills piled up and with no money coming in for a short time it just got out of control.  So there we were about to be homeless when some beyond amazing family friends took us in.  They are helping us get back on our feet. It is not just a roof over our head it is good old fashioned love too. The woman is practically my mother in law.  She has known my husband since he was 13 yrs old.  He is now 43.  My husband and her sons grew up together.  Her one son is our daughter's Godfather.  So you can see we are more family then friends.  
I am good at keeping things together for my family then falling apart behind closed doors.  However I was starting to get worn very thin with the amount of sadness and trouble going around in my family.  I was doing my best to keep my faith.  I was spending my entire commute to and from work asking God to please just help one of us out. I did not care which one just one of us. My family has been through the ringer and it is just plain unfair that they have to feel anymore pain.  I am not going to lie I was seriously rooting for my brother to be the one He chose to protect, well actually his new baby to be specific. I did not want him to have to deal with the pain of a 12 week early baby. I wanted my sister to be able to come home for our nephew's wedding.  I wanted my mom not to have to work 7 days a week.  I wanted my one brother in law to stay cancer free.  I wanted my other brother in law to finally get his crap together and stop hurting my sister and nephews. I wanted my husband to find a job so he could stop being so depressed and hard on himself.
I realize this is a very long list of wanting.  I finally broke down (2 times in 3 days) and started talking to my new ummm ... MIL (because that is basically what she is to me).  We were up until like 11pm talking and just letting it out. No crying just talking and getting some much needed "I'm telling you how it is" support.  She told me be patient , keep the faith, I am staying strong for my family, let God hear what is in it my heart, and just let Him do what I need when He needs for me to have it.  She was right.  I needed to hear it.  I needed the emotional and spiritual hug she gave me that night.
I went to bed and apologized to God for being all wanting and forgetting about the needs. I asked Him to please just give me a sign because I was getting worn down and tired.  That this battle is taking it's toll on me and I know He has so much faith in me and so much in store for me and my family.  I took a deep breath and exhaled all the pain in my soul at the moment.  Said "Thank You for holding me up right now.  I am just weak, thank you." And with that I slept like I haven't slept in years. The kind of sleep that makes you feel like your soul is brand new.  This was Friday morning.
Saturday Morning: My niece was born and was kicking butt and taking names in the NICU!!  

Ellie Sage Lutz
2lbs 12oz and 15 3/4 in
Not even 24hrs old and breathing on her,
SHE ROCKS!!!

I really thought that was it and was very thankful for that.  I took a moment (several actually) to say "Dear Lord, Thank You. You heard me and answered at the exact perfect time.  Sorry for my moment of weakness. Thank you thank you thank you. My niece is beautiful."

If that was the end of the good news that day I would have been beyond fine.  Honestly from my heart as long as my niece was okay I really did not have to hear anything else good.  I guess He knew that too.  God knew in my heart of hearts that I was content and truly thankful and okay with what he had given.  Yet He gave me more!

I went to work to find out my store was closing.  I was sad but was not going to be down about this.  I actually laughed when I called home to tell of the news.  Honestly what else could I do but laugh at this turn of events.  So my boss and her partner asked to come over after work to talk to me about the future.  I did not see how this was going to be the greatest conversation of my life however I decided to go and hear what they had to say.

It was not what they had to say that got me. It was what they had decided to do for me, and me family that literally made me want to hug them and scream with excitement.  You will be glad to know I did not do that.  I stayed very calm and pleasant.  Her partner decided that I was a hard worker who was "amazing" and they could not stand leaving me with no job when I was so dedicated to giving them 100%.  Also they gave their word that they were going to keep me and take care of me and then bam, they decide to close.

I was offered a job at their consulting firm doing audits.  Accountant analyst is my actual title (yeah I have a title!!!!) Making even more then I am now, 2wks pd vacation, annual bonus, and benefits that would be effective immediately. As if that was not enough, they are helping my husband get a job and chances are they will have a house for us to move into by next summer. I wanted to jump up and down and do a happy dance but I thought that would seem a bit on the crazy side.

So on my drive home I called everyone I could to share happy news. I couldn't stop smiling and couldn't stop saying "Thank You!" like a million times to God. I am pretty sure I heard Him say "Enough already I get the point" However I continued my words of praise until I got to my destination.  

That Saturday night I know there were prayers of praise being lifted on my behalf from all the ones that had been praying for me in all the bad times.

I felt and still feel renewed.  I do not like those moments where I feel like I can not hold it all together anymore.  I know God knows that too.  I think maybe He wants me to know that it is okay to fall apart and be sad as long as you keep your faith and pray from your heart. I do not know to be honest. I am learning as I go. I just know that this is a never ending learning process. I know I do not have any of the answers and well, I do not need them.  I know that I have to let go and let God take care of it. I know that at the end of all of it, every struggle will have been worth it and I am positive I will be a better person because of it.  

I would just like to say one more thing:

Thank You to everyone who has prayed for me and my family.  The love and support has completely overwhelmed me. I know it is not over.  However I know I can get though anything with amazing friends and family by my side and God carrying me when I get weak.  I can do anything.

Fulfilling a dream...

You know I spend a lot of time trying to do what I need to do.  I feel like a failure as a woman sometimes because I did not have that urge to stay home and be a soccer mom.  However I think I have realized you do not have to stay home to be the type of soccer mom I have in my head.  I feel such a pull towards being what is now called a domestic diva.  To kick it all off I am looking at sewing machines.  I want to sew.  I took a class way back in jr. high.  I got an A.  I never received another A in a class for the rest of my life.  I know I can make things.  I have ideas in my head all day long.  The latest is blankets.  My friends and sister-in-law are having babies.  Due the same day.  And it looks like they are both having girls.  I am beyond excited.  What better way to welcome these 2 new little babies then with a blanket made just for them.  Then I realized that if this goes well, I could sell my blankets.  Some people do not have the ability to make things however I am sure they would have killed me in math class.  I am not dumb I just lack the book smarts.  I can learn just about anything if it is not in a book.  As my mom stated the other day, I was cursed with creativity.  I can find uses for everything. I feel like doing this isn't just finding a new way to make some extra cash or saving money on baby presents.  While it most certainly may do that it will also finally be me doing what I want to do.  Be creative and make things from my heart with my own 2 hands.  I want to bake too.  Not like crazy cake boss baking. I just want to make cakes and icing from scratch for my family.  I love to see their faces when they take a bite and they get that look on their face like I am the best mom ever.  I am going to step my cooking up a notch as well.  I find myself in the kitchen when I am upset and stressed.  It puts me at ease when I create something.  So if I am always creating and making I think  my life will be more peaceful for me.  Having all the emotions I do with no where to dump them out makes for a crazy and exhausted me.  No I am not going to bury my feeling in projects.  No I am going to let them out in my creations.  I am sure someone who knows me will be able to tell what mood I was in when making a certain thing.  I grew up looking at my mom like she was amazing.  And well she was for several reasons.  She could sew, crochet, cook, bake, garden, can, and make anything from scratch.  She went back to school and stopped doing those things because she felt a pull in that direction.  I respect her for that more then she will ever know.  I do not want my daughters to look at me and think I never followed my pull.  That yes I was a good mother but I never did what I felt I should do because I was too busy doing what everyone else needed.  All they will see is being a mom means you sacrifice everything and never get to be who or what you want to be.  I want them to look at me when they are my age and say, "My mother followed her pull all while doing for us."   I want them to have that respect for me and I want them to know you never have to stop following your dreams or stop being who you really feel you are.  Not for anyone.  You may have to pause it for your children.  However if you never press play again and stay in pause.  You will never be happy with yourself or anything around you.  You will always be looking for the source of being happy.  When the source to your happiness, is you.  You can make or break yourself.  And I want my girls to see that being true to their self... Is the only thing that I ever want them to succeed at in life.   So I am going to be true to me and fulfill my dreams. After all aren't we supposed to lead by example? 

My many Blessings...

You know with everything that goes on everyday it is easy to lose sight of all the good things.  This past week I have been reminded of one of the greatest things a girl could ever have.  My friends.  I do not have a large entourage but I have exactly what I need.  2 of the people I have known for at least half of my life.  They have literally seen it all.  I never would have thought 20yrs ago that this is where life was going to take us. Or in class 14yrs ago that we would be here.  Never a year ago did I think that someone I have known for a short time would be so close that they are like my family.  I honestly would be nothing without them. They remind me of who I am.  How can you get through life without the ability to fall apart in front of them?  They are always there for me no matter what.  It may be in the form of babysitting, chatting all day about nothing to distract me from the bad, texting or calling at the exact perfect moment, walking around the mall just to get out of the house, letting me know how awesome I really am, keeping me grounded, and reminding me to keep the faith.  I always thought God had so much more faith in me then I had in myself.  While that is true he also knows how awesome my support group is, and that when times are tough they will help me keep it together.  I do not live in NYC.  No we are not single.  However I definitely have my Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha.  Oddly all 4 of us are not best friends but the 3 of them are my best friends.  No matter what the trouble and heartache I have had to go through to get here it was beyond worth it.  I see things I never saw before.  I have been taking a long hard look at my life lately and this is what I had in my brain.  I never thought I would be at a point in my life where I am so excited.  I am excited for someone to move into their own place, for a brand new baby, and praying for an easy transition. Not one of these things are my own.  And these 3 are not the only good ones.  I have a few more girls that are just as incredible as these 3.  We have babies growing up together, what seems to be a semi annual brunch, and break-ups as well.  I am in a good spot in life.  I have my trials and tribulations. I have the days when I just want to cry. However no matter what gets thrown my way ... I have the most amazing, beautiful, and good women behind me all the way.  And they are just 1 of my many blessings...

From the heart...

It is amazing how incredibly insightful and deep a broken heart is.
To deny it or ignore it will only lead to trouble.
Through the tears that fall into a wound with such a strong pulse,
You see things you may have never wanted to see,
About yourself,
About the one who broke your heart.
Did the damage come with no warning,
Did you wake up up to a bleeding heart,
A pool of tears on your pillow.
Trying to find out how it happened,
Trying to find out how you got there.
Then when it all becomes clear,
The knife goes back in and makes the cut even deeper.
Your cries for help fall on deaf ears.
You are in a moment of complete and utter despair.
On your knees,
Hands tightly clenching your chest,
Trying to remember how to breathe,
You can't speak,
You can't move,
You can only feel.
Feel the deep ache that has just hit you like a storm.
As you stand and rise against all the odds,
You catch a glimpse of how the wreck came to be,
You won't fall this time but you grab your heart,
Secure it,
Keep it safe,
Gaurd it from being hit again.
The wound has not healed,
Unsure of when it will,
You refuse to put your hands down,
Always prepared for a fight,
A fight to defend all that you are.
One blow and you will fall apart again.
You know when it heals,
You will dance in the glory that is life,
That is LOVE.
There is no way to avoid the scrapes and bumps that will come your way.
They hurt more then before,
They always bring back the pain of that old scar.
Trying to move on before your heart is ready,
Desperately trying to not let it destroy you,
Holding on to all you are,
While hanging onto a breaking branch,
Knowing that there will be someone to catch you when it breaks.
But will it be the one you are aching for in your soul,
The one who with one look,
One touch,
One word,
The one who captivates your entire self just by being there in front of you.
As you come back to reality,
On your knees in the pouring rain,
Holding your heart,
Tears soaking your face,
Trying to remember how to breathe.
You see a hand,
Reaching down for you,
A face coming to your level,
A touch wiping your eyes,
A voice saying,
"Take a deep breath",
And a bandage for your bleeding wound.

I still do not get it...

You know figuring out matters of the heart is not the easiest thing to accomplish.  When I was a teenager I thought I knew what was going on in my heart but was so utterly and completely wrong.  Then in my early 20's I was proven wrong again.  So here I am today and I am still completely and utterly confused.  

I feel like every good relationship requires some work.  However does that mean every great relationship requires a great amount of work?  It should not seem like that much of a big deal when you are truly in love with someone.  It should just be the basics of what you have to do to make it work for the both of you.  You get tired and worn down sometimes but you get it together and keep trucking along knowing one day it will get better.  It will get better right?  Its not going to be an everyday battle... right?
What if you let go of someone.  You need space.  You need to figure it out.  Does that mean there is a lack of love?  Or does it mean you're head is getting to involved in matters of the heart?
Maybe it is my past bad experiences that make me feel like there is an expiration date on loving me.  Or maybe it is one too many romantic movies that mess with my head.
Does questioning something mean that it can't be "it".  They always say when you find "it" you will know.  What if you thought you knew then something just came into your head or heart and changed everything you thought you knew?!?! 
Now here is the hard one, what if you thought you were over someone and continued on with life only to find out that you were never over that person?  Then what?  How do you solve this?  How do you get over someone while trying to love another person?  If a simple mention of a person's name brings it all back.  If it makes your heart race, butterflies in your stomach, and floods you with emotions.  Lets face it you are not over that person.  Will you ever be? Who knows, you obviously never let go of them.  You have been holding on to them this whole time.  How do you let go? Should you let go? How do you stop loving them? 
You can not stop loving a person just because you want to love someone else.  You are always going to love some people in your life.  That is just the way it is. However just because you will always love them does not mean you are meant to be together.  If they have let go of you and you truly love them, then let go.  Let them go. If you really truly love them let them have what is best for them it may not be you.  Just because you can not let go does not mean you are their answer.  
I do not know how it works or claim to have the answers.  Maybe life is an episode of friends and this is Ross and Rachel.  Who knows... seriously who knows? 
Here I am after all of it.  All the love, hurt, pain, joy, and more love.
And I still do not get it...

I'm an ocean ...

I do not know what the deal is but I have been an emotional hot mess lately!  I think I have been holding it back for so long that I literally cry at the drop of a hat. (I dropped a hat at work which prompted tears)  I have been having these deep emotional thoughts and thankfully I am wearing sunglasses most of the time.  Otherwise people would start calling me the crying girl.  Maybe it is the time of the year.  Spring brings a pile of memories of my Daddy.  Funny how the killing of a terrorist mastermind and Mother's day brings me to my knees with grief of missing him.
Every ocean breeze makes me think of his love for the shore.  Oh and his monthly visit to Atlantic City.  The unconditional love.  The amazing ability to make you feel absolutely beautiful with out even saying a single word. I speak to him often in my mind.  I think it is the reason for creeping insanity.  However the things I had to say to him the other day hit my core and gave me peace.  Even if for a moment ... it was a moment of much needed peace.


" Dear Daddy,
I love the smell of the water.  Working down here has taken it away but sometimes on really windy days I can still smell it.  I close my eyes and take a deep breath.  I can see you and that Father's Day we spent in Wildwood.  That was an amazing day.  I am so thankful we had that day as a family.  Who knew it was our last summer with my mother.  She loved that day too.  I am walking around down here and I can feel the calm washing over me.  I wish you were here so we could have lunch and talk about everything.  I wish we could have the conversations face to face that I know you always wanted to have.  Make jokes of all my horrible mistakes as a way to make me feel better.  And let you see the woman I have become.  I am beyond positive you would be so proud of who I am today.  I notice more and more every day there are more pieces of you in me then I ever thought. However I am not nearly as amazing as you were.  Did you know how amazing you were? Wish I had known it then so I could have told you.  I also realized that my feeling of ease when near the ocean is 100% from you.  Not because you had a great love of the shore.  But because when I look back I realize you were trying to let me know who I was not about the way nature works.  Looks peaceful and calm yet underneath there is a great storm brewing. Beautiful and majestic but with strength that can't be measured.  As much as it can be gentle and soothing.  It can cause horrific damage when it is raging.  Can not be contained or controlled.  You just have to let it run it's course and admire the beauty and stand in awe of the destruction it can create.  You knew it all along.  You knew you raising an ocean.  And all this time I thought I was just a small pond.  I love you.  I miss you.  I'll give Mommy a hug for you."